In that
place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in 'The
Room'.
There were
no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index
card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author
or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from
floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very
different headings.
As I drew
near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that
read "People
I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards.
I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written
on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for
my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and
small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense
of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within
me.
As I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some
brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense
that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have
Betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright
weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort
I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost
hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."
Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things
I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I
never
ceased
to be surprised by the contents.
Often there
were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it
be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these
thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this
truth.
Each was
written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I
pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized
the files
grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly,
and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.
I shut
it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by
the
vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When
I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run
through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to
test its
size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I
felt sick
to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost
animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one
must ever
see these cards! No one must ever see this room!
I have
to destroy them!"
In an insane
frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't
matter
now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it
at
one end
and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a
single
card. I became desperate and pulled out a card,
only to
find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated
and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning
my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying
sigh. And
then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the
Gospel
With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost
unused.
I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long
fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then
the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt
started
in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and
cried.
I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of
file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever
know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then
as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him.
Not
here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He
began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch
His
response.
And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow
deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally
He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at
me with
pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me.
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things.
But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He
got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one
end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over
mine on each card.
"No!" I
shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no,"
as I pulled
the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards.
But there
it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered
mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back.
He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think
I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it
seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed
His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood
up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its
door. There
were still cards to be written. |